Gary was one of the fine Babcock Volunteers

Gary was one of the fine Babcock Volunteers. Here are his thoughts on running. He can be found somewhere in Fayette County sitting on the couch thinking about running.

Running Sucks

“Dedicated to all people interested in the truth”

By nature I am continually drawn to the service of my fellow human beings. With this in mind, I took it upon myself for your benefit to create a scientific experiment to determine if running indisputably, undeniably SUCKS. First of all, I am not an avid runner; this is a good thing for the experiment. Performing this project, I will not be subjected to the obvious lying to oneself that runners must do in order to convince themselves even to go for a run in the first place.

Enough about me, here is where you come in. If my hypothesis is correct and running does indeed suck then it will release everyone in the world from having to do it at all. For example, if someone says “Hey, let’s go for a run”, you can hold your head up and just say no. If the person wants to know why, dare I say, your reply should be “because running SUCKS”. I know everyone reading this right now is thanking me in advance for my efforts and celebrating the very idea. But we do have to scientifically prove the point before we can crack a beer and find a comfy couch….so please bear with me.

Let me explain the science of the experiment and how it came about that I would sacrifice so for the benefit of you. Every so often Psycho-Wife and her running buddies Tarzans-Jane, Crazy-Carrie and Calamity-Beth would say “Hey, why don’t you go for a run with us?” Every now and then I would let my guard down and go. Reason being, if I wanted to spend any time with Psycho-Wife running would be the only way because the knot-heads were training for the Music Marathon in Tennessee last year. Every time we ran one of them would ask “Hey, are you having a good time” well of course the answer was no. Here is the important part, the whole project hinges on this reply, which was said each and every time I was stupid enough to run with them. “THIS IS THE WAY I FELT WHEN I FIRST STARTED, YOU JUST HAVEN’T RUN ENOUGH”. Well after many mistaken runs with Psycho-Wife and her peeps, I replied “Oh really, how much do you have to run in order for it to be fun”? They nearly stopped in their tracks. They were asking themselves why anyone would ask such a question. I believe they were in awe of my intellect. The answer came after time, which was, we do not know. Being a take charge kind of guy, I proposed that if a person would run two days minimum of three miles at a time for three months ….would that be enough? I looked over and saw four nodding heads. So then I asked “What is in it for me”? Psycho-Wife asked what would you like. I had a few better ideas but I took the safe road and said “Let’s put some money on it.” I then supported the idea by suggesting it would give me an incentive plus show good will on their part. Psycho-Wife went in for $25.00 and Tarzan-Jane gave $10.00. After some discussion, we agreed on the following rules for the “RUNNING SUCKS PROJECT”. I, your humble servant, will have to run two times per week for three miles minimum for three months. A run can only be missed for the same reasons Psycho-Wife and the gang would miss a run being the temperature is below 15 degrees or the snow is 4” below the knee. On the day of the last run we named RUNNING SUCKS DAY may it live in infamy? We named it this at the end of the run because according to them this is when you feel the best about running….yeah right. At this point, I will announce to everyone whether or not running does indisputably suck. It is kind of a thumb up or down thing. Thumbs down being that I met the stated rules and I put $35.00 in my pocket go buy some beer and find a couch. Thumbs up being that running is fun and they keep their cash. Out of the goodness of my heart, I even added that all I had to say is “Hey, running is not all that bad go ahead and keep your money”.

Once I got to the last several runs you should have seen them scrambling. It was beautiful. Psycho-Wife offered to pay the $35.00 if I keep running. Tarzans-Jane asked if I still thought running sucked, I told her to bring her cash to Running Sucks Day. Amy, Psycho-Wife’s cousin from Australia who just completed a marathon in Sydney offered $50.00 if I ran a marathon. Psycho-Wife said she would match it. But don’t worry I didn’t fall for this obvious trick although the cash did sound good they knew full well this would keep me running due to training. Phew, I almost went for the cash, it’s the principle of the thing now.

March 18^th, Running Sucks Day, has arrived. I have successfully completed my end of the bargain. In three months there were 24 runs for a total of 91.63 miles. I run trails mostly with GPS thus the accuracy; this equals 3.81875 miles per run. Once we reached the car, I stretched, took a drink of water, changed into regular clothes and addressed the group. I am sorry to say my friends as it turns out, RUNNING IS NOT ALL THAT BAD. Psycho-Wife and Tarzans-Jane are very happy. I must add though, I did not say running was fun. Which brings me to my next study; I am going to set up a way to tell exactly how much fun running really is. On a scale where 1 is a bamboo shooting up your fingernail and 10 being sex. I am open to suggestions as to the set up for this quest. Please feel free to make suggestions on the scale system (range etc.) and what I have to do to accomplish this next phase. Please mail your one dollar suggestion fee to 195 Eleven Mile Road, Mount Nebo, WV 26679 Attn: Gary. Go ahead and have a not all that bad run today.

Yours always,

The running man